My mother passed away on 3/23/11 after a ten day illness where she refused to seek medical attention.  I was there when she died–rushed over to be there when my dad called the paramedics to hopefully drag her off to the hospital (she refused to go on the 21st even with paramedics standing there telling her it was a life-or-death situation) but her heart stopped during my 4-mile trip over.  The paramedics passed us on our way, and I just knew.  When I got there, I rushed into the house to see a sheriff’s deputy performing CPR.  My mom was on the floor on the far side of the bed so I couldn’t see her.  I couldn’t do anything but stand there and scream…at my dad.  I was screaming for him to do something and he just looked so incredibly helpless.  The entire ten day ordeal was a nightmare of epic proportion and it ended quite dramatically that night…62 years of life and adored grandmother/mother, just gone in a blink…seemingly not caring that she was headed that way.

It’s been a difficult time.  Our family has already been through so much the past 5 years; my kids have already been through so much.  I have no choice other than to “pick myself up by my bootstraps” (my mother LOVED to say this to me when I was down!) and figure out the new normal that allows me to carry on.  I have to, for my kids and my husband and my dad.  It really hasn’t been as difficult as I thought it would be…sure, I’m sad and nearly every hour something reminds me of my loss…so many things the kids do or say, or something I’ll read or discover and it pops into my head that I have to call my mom and share that with her…and then I remember that I can’t. 🙁  But I’ve been able to find joy throughout my day in everyday things…a text message from a friend, a meal brought over by a MOMS’ Club member, the silly things my little ones do and say, a warm hug from my husband after a long day.  I think as long as I can continue to find this joy, I will be OK.  I know my mom would want me to be happy.

I’m recovering from bronchitis and pneumonia; my two youngest both were very sick as well.  I wasn’t getting well so I had to go on a second course of antibiotics and now I’m on the mend.  I have a lot to do around the house to get caught up (as everything was torn apart for my spring cleaning when my mom passed away) but I hope to be back to posting regularly soon.